A calm celebrant’s guide to writing wedding vows: finding your voice, avoiding clichés, and speaking with warmth and ease on the day.
When it comes to writing wedding vows that feel right, many couples find themselves approaching this with some apprehension. This is entirely understandable, as your vows represent some of the most cherished and enduring memories of the day.
Writing and delivering vows can present two quite different challenges. Finding the right words and crafting them into vows is one part of the process; speaking them aloud in the moment being the other.
Writing your own vows is not about finding the perfect poetic phrasing; it is about conveying a sincere message, in your own voice, to the person you love. The idea of speaking in front of people may not be something you’re particularly comfortable with. As someone who works closely with confidence and communication through both my coaching and celebrant practice, I can assure you: you can do this.
Preparation
Begin by giving yourself time. Try not to leave writing and rehearsing your vows until the final week before the ceremony, when your mind is likely to be full of nerves, logistics, and the presence of others. There are many examples of wedding vows online which can help give you an idea of tone, length and structure. In creating your own, allow yourself a series of quiet moments to reflect on your relationship. What do you value most? What gives your partnership its strength? When have you felt particularly supported, understood, or joyful?
Consider the tone you would like to strike. Do you want your vows to feel deeply heartfelt and serious? Warm, with gentle touches of humour? A mixture of both? Or full on funny? It can be helpful to discuss this with your partner so that your vows feel harmonious; unless, of course, you are intentionally embracing contrast. As your wedding celebrant, I can also be a great sounding board and source of support here too.
Structure
Thinking about structure, a simple framework using the following or similar prompts often helps to get the words flowing:
- What you love about your partner: particular qualities, memories, or moments.
- What marriage means to you: your hopes and vision for the future.
- The promises you wish to make: grounded, meaningful, and true.
Try to avoid familiar clichés. Rather than reaching for phrases you might hear on a popular TV show about marriage, such as You complete me or My partner in crime, find your own words rooted in your relationship. Refer to shared experiences, distinctive traits, or the small things you have come to know and treasure about one another. If you’re a bilingual couple, you may want to feature both languages as a symbol of your bond.
Rehearse
Once you have written your vows and are happy with them, take time to rehearse saying them, several times. You don’t need to memorise them, but you want to find the right flow, and emphasis, so that you can speak them with comfort and confidence. I can show you some easy-to-remember breathing and vocal warm up exercises you can each quietly do before the ceremony to ground you, help calm the nerves and ready yourselves to speak. I’ll be doing some myself!
If you are worried about nerves, remember that I will be there holding the space, offering calm support throughout. You will not be rushed. You can read your vows from a card, and if your voice trembles, it is simply because the words matter, which makes them all the more moving. And when you look around and see the faces of your friends and family, you will be met with love, warmth, and very likely a few tears as well. In the end, vows are a gift. They remind you why you are standing there, before your person and the people who love you, making a promise that is entirely yours.
